Another Day in the Life
Bark, bark. Yip, yap.
Damn it, Abbey, you’re always complaining about me for barking at the Amazon driver or the mailman, yet every single morning you bark and whine and yap as soon as dad wakes up. Has he ever NOT taken you for a walk in the morning?
Whatever, Lahni, but the sooner we get mom and dad up, the sooner we go for a walk and then get to eat. Now go over and wake mom up.
Lick, lick, lick. Hi, mom.
“Hi, Lahni. No, don’t lick me in the face.”
Lick, lick, lick.
“Lahni, stop licking me.”
I’m sorry mom, I’m just excited to see you. Can we go for a walk now? Oh, wait. Dad just opened the doggy door. Scramble, scramble, scurry, run, run.
BARK. BARK. BARK. GRRRR. GRRRR. GRRRR. BARK. BARK. BARK.
“Lahni. Abbey. Inside”
But mom, there’s something out here and it’s my job to protect you by scaring it off.
BARK. BARK. BARK. GRRRR. GRRRR. GRRRR. BARK. BARK. BARK.
“Lahni, back inside.”
Most of the time when me and Abbs are outside barking and growling, we’re really just talkin’ to each other. I make believe there’s something out here to get Abbey all worked up, but usually we’re just talking about our dreams last night.
If you were able to translate BARK. BARK. BARK. GRRRR. GRRRR. GRRRR. BARK. BARK. BARK. into human, it might go something like this: “Last night I had a dream that Timmy and Lassie both fell down a well and I had to rescue them.”
What a coincidence, Lahni. You had a dream about Lassie and I dreamt that me and Slink were running around with Woody and Buzz Lightyear, and of course we were with Andy in his bedroom.
Let’s say we go back inside and start the day.
Sounds good to me.
Alright, mom. We’re back. Let’s go.
“Lahni, let me put my shoes on first. Abbey, get off my foot.”
Yeah, Abbey, get off mom’s foot so she can put her shoes on we can go out walking.
I charge out the door and down the steps and up the driveway and up the street with mom in tow. It’s a new day and I gotta see, hear and smell all the stuff that’s new since last night’s walk.
Wait, what’s that?
“Lahni, leave it.”
But, it’s a squirrel. You know I hate squirrels.
“Lahni, leave it.”
One of these days I might get lucky and catch one of them, but then what? What the hell am I supposed to do with some gross furry squirrel squirming around in my mouth? I’d probably spit it out and then go off and chase another one, though. Or maybe chase a lizard. I like chasing stuff, even if I never catch anything. I think it’d scare me if I ever caught something.
“Good leave it, Lahni.”
Mom likes walking and I could walk all day long with her if. . . WHOA! HOLD UP! Is that Bettina with her crazy-assed dog? That dog and I have gotten into a number of scraps over the years and her dog is always the instigater. Sure, we fight across the street from each other and with parked cars in between us. But we keep barking and baring our teeth at each other as our mom’s try to hold us back. I know I could kick that’s dog’s mangy butt if it came down to it.
BARK. BARK. GRRRRR, GRRRRR. BARK. BARK. GRRRRR. GRRRRR. Lemme at it, mom.
“Lahni, leave it!”
But mom, all of us types hate that dog. It’s a menace to the neighborhood and one of us has to stand up to it.
BARK. BARK. GRRRRR, GRRRRR. BARK. BARK. GRRRRR. GRRRRR.
“LAHNI, LEAVE IT!”
Harrumph. I’m just trying to protect you from all the menacing animals out here. Hey, can we go home now and have breakfast? I’m hungry.
~~
Hey, dad <<puff>> <<puff>> is breakfast <<pant>> <<pant>> ready yet? <<huff>>
“In your place.”
Dad . . . (drool) . . . put. . . (drool) . . . my . . . (drool) . . . food bowl . . . (drool) . . .down. . . (drool) . . . The. . . (drool) . . . carpet. . . (drool) . . . is getting . . . (drool) . . .soaked . . . (drool).
“OK.”
Snarf. Gulp. Gulp. Gobble. Gulp. Snarf. Lick. Lick. Lick.
Hey, Lahni, you got anything left in your bowl I can have?
Abbey, if you think I’m gonna leave a speck of food in my bowl for you to have, you’re crazy.
Phew, that walk wore me out. I’m just gonna go over here and take a little nap . . .
BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
“Lahni, leave it. It’s just someone walking by. It’s ok.”
Yeah, Lahni, it’s ok. That guy walks by every morning and you always bark at him. I understand you got those radar-dish sized ears on your head and can pick up NASA signals beamed to the space station, but don’t you recognize that it’s the same guy you barked at yesterday, and the day before and the day before that? You don’t see me barking at him, do you?
Whatever, Abbey. You claim to be a lover and not a fighter, but I’m a lover and a fighter. One of us has to protect mom and dad from the dangers out there.
You obviously never look over dad’s shoulder and read the headlines of The Washington Post like I do. Otherwise, you’d know that the danger to mom and dad is not some neighbor walking down the street.
Whatever, Abbey. I’m gonna go back to sleep . . .
BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
“Lahni, leave it. It’s just the Amazon driver. It’s ok.”
Damn, Lahni, stop with the barking, would ya? I’m going outside and lay in the sun with dad, it’ll be quieter than in here with you.
“Well hi there, Abbs.”
Hey, dad. Do you know if they make earplugs for dogs? If they do, would you get me a pair so I don’t have to listen to my sister barking all the time? She’s kind of annoying at times.
“Hey, ‘Tunes. You coming out to join us, too?”
I got my nickname of ‘Tunes as a shortened version of Loony Tunes, which I suppose is a takeoff from my name of Lahni. Ya’ know Lahni/Loony. Mom and dad may be making fun of me when they call me ‘Toons, but what do I know? I’m just a dog. Cute as hell, but just a dog.
<<Sniff>> <<Sniff>> <<Sniff>> <<Sniff>> <<Sniff>> <<Sniff>>
Hey, Abbs. Can you smell that? It smells like Wednesday and you know what that means. IT’S WALKING WEDNESDAY. WOO HOO. I love Walking Wednesday. Yes, I do. Well, except the part about getting in the car. Not a big fan of riding in the car. I got sick the first time dad brought you and me home. It wasn’t a pretty sight and I was afraid he might turn around and take me back to the shelter.
But, it’s Wednesday so we go with mom down to the bay and meet the rest of the pack.
~~
Hey, Riley. Hey, White Fang. How you guys been since last week? Gotten into any trash cans or trouble lately? Hey, WF, is that a new collar on you or have I just not noticed it before?
S’up Lahn? Naw, it’s new. I slipped out of my old one and used it as a chew toy. My mom wasn’t too happy, but hey, if that thing’s around my neck I figure it’s mine and I can do what I want with it. What’s new with you guys? Hey there, Abbey. Your arthritis still given you trouble?
Don’t you know it. I can always tell when the weather’s going to change cause my joints start acting up. Other than that, life’s pretty good. You’ve been awfully quiet over there, Riley. What’s the matter, cat’s got your tongue?
Hee hee, haw haw. Good one there, Abbey. Hee hee.
Oh, make fun of the sick dog, why don’t cha’?
Sick? Well, stay the hell away from me. I was just talkin’ about hurling chunks as a young pup. Besides, I don’t want to get no COVID.
It’s not COVID, you knuckleheaded ‘Toon. Mom just gave me some bad kibble this morning and it messed with my belly. Spewed all over the stairs. She almost didn’t take me this morning, but after mom cleaned it up, I went and snuggled up to her, giving her my sad puppy-dog eyes. Works every time to get what I want.
“Let’s go Lahni. Come on, Abbey, you’re walking with Janet today.”
“Hi, Abbey. Are you ready?”
Hey, Janet. Let’s go!
“Come on, Lahni.”
Look, a squirrel. I think I’ll chase it.
“Lahni, leave it.”
Mom, why do we always have to walk down here by the bay on Wednesday’s? It smells and looks like a cesspool, whatever a cesspool is. You probably can’t pick up on all the different odors coming in off the water and rocks like I can, but it’s got a real funk to it today. Dead fish. Low tide. Rotting seaweed.
“Does the bay smell funny to you today, Janet?”
“Mary, the bay always smells foul.”
See, I told you so. Although I’m surprised that with those little noses you got that you can smell anything at all.
~~
<<pant>> <<pant>> <<huff>> <<puff>> Ya’ got any water mom? I’m parched. <<slurp>> <<slurp>> <<slurp>> <<slurp>> Thanks.
Ahhhh, lunchtime. Just kickin’ it here at Luna Grill with my buds and the gals after a long walk.
Lahni! Incoming LWFD. Two o’clock. Should we bark and growl at it?
Nah, I’m waaaay too tired to hassle one of them.
“Let’s go Lahni, Abbey. Time to go home.”
Ok, mom. Hey, Riley, see you next week. Hang in there Fangster. Be cool. Stay cool.
Hey, Lahni, Abbey. Let’s do lunch again next week. I’ll have my people call your people and set it up. ‘Til then, ciao, baby.
Mom, can you help me in the car? My legs aren’t doin’ too good right now.
Here, Abbey, this is how you do it.
<<Leap>>
Lahni, you show off. Just wait until you’re as old as me, you’ll be using a walker to get around.
“Wait, Abbey, let me help you get in the car.”
Thanks for the assist, mom. Let’s go home.
~~
DAD. WE’RE HOME.
“Hey, Lahns, how was your walk?”
It was great. Especially at lunch. Someone before us dropped a bunch of food on the ground and me and Abbey scarfed it all up before mom noticed. It was kinda’ dried out and gross, but we ate it anyway. I’m going to take a nap. I’ll see you in a little while.
~~
Mom, I know it’s time for our afternoon walk, and even though I look and act excited to go, it’s only because of habit. Besides, I’m dog tired. Hee hee. Get it? Dog tired? Hee hee. Get it? Hee hee.
“Lahni, it’s too hot out now to go for a walk. We’ll go after dinner when it’s cooler.”
Works for me. Besides, these ol’ dogs are worn out. Hee hee. Get it? Dogs? Feet, err . . . paws, in my case. Hee hee.
WAIT! STOP!. Did I just hear you mention the word dinner? Is it time to eat already?
Mom . . . (drool) . . . put. . . (drool) . . . my . . . (drool) . . . food bowl . . . (drool) . . . down. . . (drool) . . . The . . . (drool) . . . carpet . . . (drool) . . . is getting . . . (drool) . . . wet . . . (drool).
“OK.”
Snarf. Gulp. Gulp. Gobble. Gulp. Snarf. Lick. Lick. Lick.
Hey, Lahni, you got anything left in your bowl I can have?
Abbey, if you think I’m gonna leave a speck of food in my bowl for you to have, you’re crazy. Let’s go and watch some TV with mom and dad. Maybe we can watch reruns of Uncle Matt’s show.
BARK. BARK. GRRRRR, GRRRRR. BARK. BARK. GRRRRR. GRRRRR.
“Lahni, leave it!”
Mom, I’m just doing my job guarding you and keeping the house safe.
“Good quiet, Lahni.”
Ack!! Ack!! Cough!! Get that thing out of my throat. Are you trying to choke me? It’s Abbey that likes her teeth brushed, not me.
“Come on, Lahni. Time for bed.”
I curl up in a tight ball and plop down on the bedspread piled on the floor and Abbey goes to her bed in the corner.
“Good night, Lahni. Good night, Abbey.”
‘Night mom. See you in the morning and we’ll do it all over again, ok?
Yep, life is pretty good for me and Abbs.
My thanks to Mary, Lahni, Abbey, Caroline, Chet and Bernie for their inspiration.